With 50% or more of Baby Boomer and GEN X marriages ending in divorce, this generation of brides has the unprecedented challenge of dealing with divorced parents and their new partners.
The most common questions that come up show us that these issues can make or break a bride’s ability to adjust and “maintain the calm” for her own wedding. In fact, many times, it’s the one thing that will turn a bride into bridezilla in less time than it takes a supped up Mustang to go from 0 to 60mph.
Who do I ask to walk me down the aisle?
Always, always ask your biological father to walk you down the aisle, UNLESS the relationship is so strained it would break your own heart not to be given away by someone else. The thing is that you have to imagine yourself in 10 years, or even 15 years, and ask yourself if you would have regretted not being given away by your biological father. Without sounding too cliché, most men only have two dreams for their daughters. First, they dream about their daughter being the Prime Minister or the President of some large and powerful company, or something so incredible, that they just know their daughter could rule the free world if given the chance. Their second dream is almost always one of being able to give their daughter away to a man they believe will take good care of her. Often we may not think about it when we’re in the midst of planning our big day, but the reality is that in breaking his dream, you’ll possibly be breaking one of your own. Allow yourself and your father, the privilege and the honour of being together on that final walk to greet your new husband.
I’m so close to my step father, and he’s been there for me since I was a little girl? Who do I share my father/daughter dance with?
As someone who is watching her own niece grow up in separated and blended families, I can tell you that much like that first walk down the aisle, you’d likely regret not having a father/daughter dance with your biological father. That said, it would probably be weird not to incorporate your step father in the same manner. My answer to this is why not have two father/daughter dances? It adds time to your schedule, true, but I think it’s time well worth spending if you can. If you are so close to your step father that this has come up, then it’s important to incorporate him as much as possible. This would be an elegant and very touching way to share a special moment with him on your big day. As for who goes first? Again, blood trumps water for me every time. So unless there is a justifiable reason for your stepfather getting first or only honours, I would recommend dancing with your step dad second.
My parents can’t be in the same room together without WW 3 breaking out. How do I manage this?
The short answer is while you shouldn’t have to deal with this, you’re going to have to. But when you do deal with it, you need to be crystal clear. The time for managing hurt feelings will have to be when all of this wedding stuff is done and dusted. Sit them down in their respective corners early on. Explain to them that while you understand the animosities that exist between them, that you have a certain expectation. That expectation is that just for this process and this day, you expect them to behave like adults, and you expect them to remember that your feelings are the ones hanging in the balance of their ability to manage their own immaturity. Explain to them both that while it’s very important to you that both of them play an integral role in your day, that you would rather not have them involved at all if they intend to bicker and carry on at any point during the process. This should do the trick, even though it could get their hackles up a bit in the meantime. The challenge to you is to become the adult they have forgotten to be. You are about to take a huge step in your adult life...and if not now, when will you demonstrate that leadership and independence all adults are expected to have?
You should also be prepared to follow through on your threat. Really, I know it would be unthinkable, and each situation is unique, but by following this guideline in principle, you are sure to leave an indelible mark on your parents’ minds. One that should be fairly difficult to forget or overlook.
My Mom just started seeing someone – I don’t even know him, but she expects to bring him to the wedding?
I have to tell you that you have no choice in this decision. And you should not try to impose yourself on your mother for having a relationship that makes her happy, even if it is just for now. Imagine if your mom had told you that you couldn’t invite your fiancé to Christmas dinner because she would be uncomfortable and didn’t want to “deal” with managing those issues and feelings that come with meeting/hosting the new boyfriend. The reality is that everyone deserves a chance at happiness, and everyone deserves a chance to prove themselves, and nothing makes your wedding day (wonderful as it will be) so special that you can ask your guests not to share your day in a way that makes them most comfortable. Also consider that she may want him there for moral support. Watching her daughter grow up and get married is an emotional thing for her to go through. She’s going to need a calm and reassuring hand – one that you won’t be able to give her (you will be rather busy after all). Lastly, consider if this happens to be “the one” for her. If she were to marry this new boyfriend, would you feel as justified about excluding him from your wedding, when it would have been one more shared memory to share in your speech on their big day? Remember that every boyfriend and girlfriend was new once. Yes, EVEN YOU were new to the group at one time. Remember the first wedding you went to with your fiancé? Remember that the couple whose wedding you attended, may not have known you very well either. At the end of the day, for the price of a meal, you’re going to be sure that your Mom (who may even be helping you to pay for the wedding) will have a wonderful time, won’t resent you later on, and won’t be sitting there throughout the entire meal feeling isolated, alone and embarrassed about being on her own. And finally, she won’t be wishing she could find the darkest corner in the room when the dancing begins because she is without a partner.
My Mom/Dad is remarried, and while he/she’s a nice person and I like him/her, I’m just not as close to him/her as I am with my Parent. What do I do?
My feeling is that step parents should be respected enough (extenuating circumstances excepted) to be incorporated as much and as easily as possible. Often times you can simply leave it to them to agree or disagree, and you might be surprised how many brownie points you’ll earn simply by having given it enough thought to ask. Ask your stepparent to say a few words during speeches. Share that second father/daughter dance with him. Maybe even take a moment during the ceremony to bring both stepparents together with your own parents for a candle lighting or a sand ceremony. There are always small and meaningful ways in which your stepparent can be included, without looking like you’re favouring one step parent over another.
The reality is that weddings should never be “exclusive”. They are by invitation, but surely, having fun means including everyone you love, and those that love you back. No matter what direction that love comes from. If you are approaching your wedding from an exclusive point of view, in my experience, you’ll spend more time trying to justify your decisions to the people who love you than you will sharing the happiest moments of your life with the people who are most happy for you. Decisions that have to be justified over and over again were probably the wrong decision to start with.
This is one where the golden rule always applies – do unto others, as you would have done unto you. Plain and simple, if in 20 years or so, you want to be sure that, come what may, your children still respect and love you enough to have you be a part of their day, be sure to pay it forward in advance. Treat your parents the very same way today.
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