Striking the Balance

As bride’s one of the most difficult challenges you can face is the one between courteous and gracious host, and well, Bridezilla.
As a planner, it’s my job to help you keep that balance. If you’re one of those bride’s who aren’t working with a planner, that job often falls to your fiancé, your mother, your best friend, and really any of the people who you’re letting loose on in your inevitable bridezilla moments. You can imagine it’s not the easiest message to deliver when you’re being ripped a new one by the one person you’ve committed to support – come hell or high water – It really stinks when hell and high water are delivered at the same time, by the same person.
So how do you know when you’re hitting one of the guard rails, and do you care? Of course you care. She who doesn’t care, is the same she who’ll be divorced within a year of the wedding IF they even make it down the aisle in the first place. I think the way you know you’re hitting the guard rail is when you appear to be tense more than once a day. I think we all have tenuous schedules at the best of times these days, and planning something as emotionally charged as a wedding, sends that tenuous schedule into something that would frighten even Lucifer himself. So, I think it’s reasonable to feel tense once a day. By tense I mean nothing more than tight in the shoulders for a period of about 10 minutes – something that relaxes as soon as you’re on a path to resolution. If you’re feeling more than that, I think you need to realize that you may be hitting a guard rail – and it may be time to take a breather – take stock, and figure out who you’re going to have to apologize to…and quick.
A wedding is the one time when you should feel entitled to indulge in a bit of selfish pleasure. It’s your (defined as you and your fiancé both) wedding, and particularly if you’re paying the whole shot, you should have a day that will reflect your own happiness. Whatever that may cost and whatever you’re willing to absorb as a budget for this event, it should in every way, reflect what makes the two of you happy together. But above all of the emotional self indulgence of the day, you are first and foremost hosts. Remember that all of the wording for your save the dates, invitations, thank you cards, favour tags – every last one of them says “Thank you for sharing in our day!” Or “Thank you for celebrating with us!” Or even “We’re so glad you could join us”. If the day wasn’t meant to be the first large occasion/event you are both hosting together for all of your friends and family, then all of that stationary would read “We got hitched”, “I got to wear a gown”, or heaven forbid “Please bring cash only”. Remember that if you’re thinking it, people will know it – it will be woven throughout all your wedding communications, your verbal and nonverbal cues and it’s the first thing EVERYONE will notice about your behaviour and your overall day. The result will be that your guests will feel obligated to attend, they will leave early, and in no way shape or form will they feel like they have “shared in your day”, rather than watched your self indulgence. Not really how most people want their guests to feel at the best of times, and least of all how you want your guests to feel at your wedding.
Which brings me to when Bridezilla really comes out to play – typically for many brides who were able to avoid such tendencies throughout the planning process, Bridezilla will arrive the day after the wedding, the first day of the honeymoon, or possibly even the day you have returned from the honeymoon. I think there are two reasons for this. First and above all else, she rears her ugly head because you finally have time and brain power to process everything that has happened, come and gone…And secondly, she comes out, because you’re no longer the bride, you’re officially the wife – and while it’s a wonderful role to have, the bride had a project. The wife’s project is a whole different ball game – one that we’ve spent the prep time we had available to us, devoted elsewhere. Remember that often times, our grandparents planned our mother’s first weddings (if you’re twenty or older) – planning our own has taken a lot of work and effort that we haven’t traditionally spent. This means we need to take special care to remember that we are hosts, and not simply the guests of honour, as our mothers might have been.
So the key is I think, if you are planning your own wedding – or even if you’re using a planner, you are a host first (presumably a very gracious one at that) and a guest of honour second. You can always be the bride, but adding that “zilla” will cost you dearly.